If you’ve clicked this to tell me about Charizard, you’re 18 years too late. I’ve known of the Fire/Flying-type for a majority of my young life, and even it can’t handle a candle anywhere near the newly revealed Pokemon Sun and Moon starter Rowlet.
“Lunacy,” one reader will say in the comments. “Click bait,” another will jeer. “Nay,” I will retort triumphantly, because Nintendo has bestowed upon gamers the greatest gift yet: the ability to create new Pokemon-centric memes outside of Mudkip. Yes, Rowlet is the answer that gamers the world over have been hoping for, and there’s no question that it is the greatest Gia-flavored flyer ever conceived within the confines of a cartridge. Ladies and gentlemen, the world of Pocket Monsters has been set ablaze and it all started with the forest fledging Rowlet.
Perhaps the meme-ness of the spherical owl is less so than that of the new Fire-type starter Litten, thanks solely to the narcotic references that are already being made, but the loveable Rowlet is a beast that tugs on the heartstrings. Fans throughout the internet have erupted to proclaim their preference in terms of the Pokemon Sun and Pokemon Moon starter, and the resulting posts on social media that contain fan art for the feathered fighter have quickly begun to spread like the super effective wildfire the beast was always meant to be swept away in.
I love this little owl ball '^' #rowlet #PokemonSunMoon pic.twitter.com/pbAX9nye2E— Tsao (@TsaoShin) May 10, 2016
Of course, some may argue that proclaiming Rowlet’s superiority is incredibly premature, given the lack of knowledge about its evolutionary forms. Competitive players will further tout the stats of other starter Pokes to dismiss claims of the unknown, but the truth simply is that the face-melting awesomeness that is this Pokemon bestows a feeling of content upon this 25-year-old man’s soul. I can start my journey with an owl that tickles my fancy to extremes never before witnessed by any one human, and I shall venture into the void of this new Hawaii-inspired and tropical region to capture them all.
Even if the evolutionary forms of Rowlet undue the magic that has been bestowed upon the fan base in the form of this angelic beast, the reality is that Rowlet never has to evolve. It can just stay trapped in its infant form for eternity, for I shall be its master and it my weapon. Along the way, other Pokemon will fall in line behind it, and the end result will be nothing short of a revolution on par with the toppling of the Berlin Wall. Its soul-less eyes will see the dismantling of an empire, and its 180 degree-spinning head will be in full affect to reconfirm my orders throughout this whole ordeal.
Lol. Grass starter it is! #rowlet #PokemonSunMoon pic.twitter.com/i0GzfJtvXP— Pokemon X & Y (@PokemonXnY) May 10, 2016
From the moment Rowlet is selected, something a great deal of rational-thinking individuals are sure to do, it will know an attack known as Leafage. This vicious assault strikes foolish challengers with leaves, but this is just as much an attack on the body as it is on the mind. Being showered with razor sharp photosynthesis-fodder will undoubtedly leave those targeted with a fear of trees for sometime, because if a cutesy little tree-percher like this thing can projectile vomit daggers made of foliage then it could happen again when they least expect it.
The stealth prowess of Rowlet is further emphasized on the official Pokemon website, where it’s confirmed that it “can attack without making a sound.” Coming in at a height of exactly one foot tall, this thing could be hiding anywhere… just waiting. Waiting for some poor 10-year-old child to stumble upon it in the tall grass, and that’s when it will strike. Night time will arrive and some may think they’re safe from the ruthless bombardment of Leafage – but they won’t be. “Darkness is no obstacle for Rowlet,” the official site preaches.
I couldn't be arsed to draw it nicely >:D, but this is gonna be the owl's final evolution and you know it pic.twitter.com/eVK96GCC2v— sіи (@lamentobento) May 10, 2016
Capping off the myriad of quotes I’ve already pulled from the authentic Pokemon domain, the most terrifying aspect of this beasts is that “it flies silently through the skies, drawing near to its opponent without being noticed, and then lashing out with powerful kicks.” Imagine soaring through the heavens upon the back of a Dragonite, only to be ejected mid-transit by the talons of this adorable assassin. They’ll unquestionably have to create a brand new Nature for this catchable monstrosity, and it will simply read ‘Homicidal’.
The next core installments in the Pokemon franchise will bring with them plenty of new areas to explore, monsters to catch, and Gym Leaders to defeat – and all of this will be overseen by the unflinching and unfeeling Rowlet. Nintendo, The Pokemon Company, and developer Game Freak have given trainers a gift in the form of this 3.3 pound Grass Quill Pokemon, and the glory it will bestow upon its humble followers shall never be rivalled.
Pokemon Sun and Pokemon Moon arrive exclusively for the Nintendo 3DS on November 18, 2016.